I know what you’re asking yourself, “What kind of depraved lunatic would make medals for sexual accomplishments and milestones? Sex isn’t a competition!” Well, my children, I beg to differ. If you’ve ever answered the question, “How many people have you had sex with?” If you’ve just bragged about how many people you’ve had sex with, you’re keeping score and it’s a competition. It’s okay, you can keep score. Everybody does it, because everybody answers the question. It’s almost the first topic that comes up in a conversation about sex right before everyone goes into what they’ve done, wish they could do, or turn their nose at what others have done while wishing they had the balls to do that very same thing. It’s all cool, trust me. But why would I go through the trouble of indulging this idea, poorly designing a set of medals that don’t really exist but you wish did exist and then subsequently, nearly almost arbitrarily coming up with a standardized criteria to earn each one? Other than wanting your money? Because I have friends who are just as sick and depraved as me (proper villains that we are) and my devil’s advocacy group thought the idea was funny and brilliant and told me to run with it. Do I think it’s a mistake? No. Not really. I’m of the philosophy that says, “Fly it up the flagpole and see who salutes.” So here I am, wasting my time writing this in the hopes that someone, anyone, salutes (besides my sexually delinquent and morally ambiguous friends and I).

Have fun and if your relationship(s) happen to get strained or end because of this book, keep in mind that I take no responsibility. You should have been honest and up front to begin with, which makes me wonder why I never made a medal or ribbon for lying, or for honesty, which is ballsier. Maybe next time.